Inner Child: When the Bullied Turns Into A Bully – Psychology Of A Victim’s Defense Turned Attack

‘Inner Child’ is Health and Me's new mental health series where we deep dive into lesser-known aspects of child psychology and how it shapes you as you grow up. Often unheard, mistaken, and misunderstood, in this series we talk about the children’s perspective and their mental health, something different than you might have read in your parenting books. After all, parenting is not just about teaching but also unlearning.Children may not know the concepts of self-esteem and self-worth, but they understand and own the things they are told, even at a very young age. “Growing up, I was not the brightest student in class, and it was something teachers, my classmates as well as adults in my life used to constantly hold against me. I found, rather than helping me be better, my teachers focused more on painting me as the ‘worst kid in class’.” Radha opened up about her first experience with bullying, explaining how the people who should’ve made her feel stronger and worthwhile, turned into her first bullies. “If I was going to be vilified for my lack of studying capacity, I’m no longer keeping quiet. I started talking back to my teachers and the kids who used to eco their words. I just built a guard around myself, that would only come down for a few friends. I knew I was a victim and should have been treated better. My friends agreed with me, helping me realize my own self-worth.” Coming to the understanding and re-learning to love herself wasn’t easy, but Radha was determined to find the strength in herself. “I had grown and felt I that I had been doing much better, noticing people around me, I didn’t care if they thought of me rude or worthless, because I knew myself. But did I? It was not until I was called out one day by my closest friend, that I realized I had done the same thing I despised others for doing to me. I found that in my journey of standing up to my bullies, I had turned into one to a girl in my class, who was nothing but kind to me and others. Looking back, while I thought I was defending myself, I ended up hurting someone who could not stand up to me.” Bullying And Formative Years of A Child Teenage bullying can deeply affect everyone involved, not just the victims. Understanding why some teens become bullies could help us recognize signs and get them better help. Speaking to Healthandme, Manvi Khurana, Founder, CEO and Senior Counselling Psychologist at Karma Care, we delved into the deeper psychology of how bullies turn into who they are and where they are victims themselves. Empty Space Inside: What Drives a Bully? Bullying isn't usually random. Therapist Manvi Khurana explains it often comes from a place of personal struggle and a strong desire for control. She notes that what kids are going through in their own lives often shows up in other ways, like bullying. It's often about trying to "fill a void" or an empty space inside them. "What are they trying to fill? What discomfort are they showing this way?" This might be a need to feel powerful by putting someone down, or to look tough, especially in a group. Things that can create this "void" include: Abuse or trauma at homeFamily problemsTrouble in school with grades or learningGeneral stressEven without deep trauma, Khurana says some kids become bullies because they feel too entitled or haven't been taught "no" at home. Their upbringing can shape their behavior, even if it's not from a traumatic past. Basically, bullies often target those who don't fit in or aren't considered "normal." This is why education is so important—it helps people understand and accept differences, making them more common and less likely to be targeted. From Victim to Bully A tough part of bullying is when someone who was once a victim later becomes a bully themselves. This makes us wonder if there are similarities between how a victim thinks and how a bully thinks. Khurana clarifies that a "victim mentality" often means someone always feels like they're suffering, even when they're not at the center of a problem. But with kids, there's good news: "Children's behavior is much more capable of change than adults," she says. Their minds are still flexible, so a bully doesn't have to be a bully forever. With education and support, they can change. However, Khurana warns that not every victim becomes a bully. "Everyone responds differently." Some victims might keep their pain inside, perhaps leading to self-harm or eating disorders (which are often about control). Others might show their pain through aggression. How a person copes depends on many things, including their culture. What Bullying Leaves Behind A key part of understanding bullying that's often missed is its long-term impact on the victim. Khurana emphasizes that the humiliation and pain from bullying can stay with people for years, leading to: Specific fears or feeling paranoidDamaged self-worth and self-esteemA lack of confidenceIs Bullying a Way to Cope? Can bullying be a way for someone to deal with their own problems? Khurana confirms that for some, it absolutely can be a coping mechanism. She explains it might be about survival, showing dominance, creating a pecking order, or establishing a position of power. In short, it's a way for some to handle difficult feelings or situations by trying to control others. Bullying is not a straightforward phase, learning about the ups and downs of it could help us understand why some people venture down this path. It shows how personal struggles, how society works, and the chance for growth all play a part for both victims and bullies. It truly highlights the need for empathy, getting help early, and creating school environments where all children can thrive.

Inner Child: When the Bullied Turns Into A Bully – Psychology Of A Victim’s Defense Turned Attack

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