Inner Child’ is Health and Me's new mental health series where we deep dive into lesser-known aspects of child psychology and how it shapes you as you grow up. Often unheard, mistaken, and misunderstood, in this series we talk about the children’s perspective and their mental health, something different than you might have read in your parenting books. After all, parenting is not just about teaching but also unlearning.A toddler stumbles, grazes their knee, and bursts into tears. The parent, instinctively, scoops them up and smacks the floor:“Bad floor! Look what you did to my baby!”The child’s sobs quiet down, their gaze turns to the floor. They feel seen, understood, and strangely soothed. But something deeper just happened—something psychological, something lasting.In that split second, blame was introduced as a form of emotional relief. And it likely stuck.Children begin learning the dynamics of cause and effect long before language kicks in. According to Dr. Charles Nelson, professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and Boston Children’s Hospital, infants are “like little scientists,” constantly scanning their environments for patterns, reactions, and consequences.By 12 to 18 months, toddlers can associate actions with outcomes. They may not have the vocabulary to explain what happened, but they are highly sensitive to how adults frame emotional responses. So when a child gets hurt and sees their caregiver express outrage—not at the pain, but at the object—the message received is, “Something caused my pain. I am not to blame. That thing is.”This isn’t just comforting, it’s the foundation of an emotional habit that can echo well into adulthood.Blame as a Comfort MechanismIn those early years, children are overwhelmed by big emotions—fear, sadness, confusion—without the tools to process them. When adults shift those emotions outward by blaming an object (a toy, a table, the floor), it provides instant clarity.Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Under Pressure, explains, “Assigning blame feels good because it gives discomfort a direction. It gives fear an enemy.” It’s developmentally normal but the catch is, when repeated, this pattern teaches kids that blame isn’t just useful—it’s soothing and once something becomes soothing, it gets hardwired.The “Inner Child” Never ForgotFast forward 20 or 30 years, you miss a deadline or a friend cancels plans or your partner calls you out on something you said. What’s your first reaction?If it’s defensiveness, or a rush to find fault in someone else—you might be looking at the echoes of a pattern laid down in toddlerhood. This is the inner child at play, still trying to manage discomfort through externalization.Neuroscience supports this, according to research from UCLA’s Brain Mapping Center, early emotional responses shape the amygdala and prefrontal cortex connections—the same regions involved in emotional regulation and threat assessment in adulthood.What that means in simple terms, the emotional shortcuts we learn before we’re three… stick.Why Makes Parents Do It?This is not about bad parenting. Most parents who smack the floor when their child cries are doing it out of instinctive empathy and a strong urge to protect. Some may even be trying to distract the child from pain by redirecting their focus but that protection sometimes comes at a subtle cost: the child doesn’t learn how to sit with difficult feelings or how to self-soothe without blame.Over time, if every distressing event is paired with an external villain, the child doesn’t just avoid pain—they avoid accountability, resilience, and emotional processing.What Are Kids Really Learning?When children consistently learn to blame something else for their emotions—whether it’s a toy, a sibling, or the weather—they’re more likely to:Struggle with frustration toleranceReact with anger or withdrawal when criticizedDevelop a victim mindset in adulthoodAvoid self-reflection or growth after failureIn clinical settings, psychologists refer to this as external locus of control—believing that outside forces dictate your emotional reality. It’s linked to higher anxiety, low self-esteem, and passive-aggressive tendencies in adults.What’s the Alternative?You can still be a comforting, empathetic parent or caregiver—without teaching blame. Here’s how:1. Name the Emotion, Not the VillainInstead of hitting the floor, say:“That must have scared you.”“You didn’t expect that. It’s okay to feel sad.”Research in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry shows that naming emotions helps toddlers regulate them faster.2. Normalize the ExperienceSay: “Everyone trips sometimes.”This sends the message that pain is part of life—not an unfair attack.3. Comfort Without RedirectionHold the child. Offer warmth and presence. You don’t need to distract them from pain—you’re teaching them that pain can be survived.Can Adults Can Reparent Themselves?If you notice yourself getting defensive, blaming others quickly, or feeling emotionally fragile when things go wrong—you’re not broken. You’re human but you’re also likely reenacting an old pattern from your early wiring. Therapists working with inner child healing often guide clients to pause before blame, and ask instead:What am I feeling right now?What am I afraid this means about me?Can I validate the feeling without blaming?This small shift can be emotionally liberating—a way to rewrite the script we were handed before we could even speak.When we hit the floor to stop a child from crying, we’re trying to comfort them. But sometimes comfort masks the deeper work of emotional education. Blame, when taught early, becomes an emotional reflex. But it’s one we can interrupt—with awareness, with language, and with love because one of the most powerful things we can teach a child is this, pain doesn’t need a villain to be real, it just needs to be felt and survived.